Last night I finished the movie Big Eyes. I have a friend who didn’t want to watch it because she thought it would be too emotional or upsetting. For me, it was inspiring. I saw a woman who followed her heart and conscience and eventually prevailed against and gained her freedom from a narcissist.
I believe my husband is a narcissist. I used to think he was bipolar. Honestly I don’t know what he is clinically but living with him is a nightmare.
I tried to watch Big Eyes the night before but he came in the room yelling at me for what I’m really not sure. It started with him being upset with me because my mother called him about something (our son’s birthday) and apparently that was too much of a burden for him. He then yelled at me for everything in his list of ways I don’t measure up. In his words I am ‘of no use’ to him. He got very angry because he wanted me to agree with his statements about my worthlessness. I refused. I used to acquiesce and confess that I am horrible in all the ways he thinks. But I stopped doing that over the past few months and it has been a constant barrage from him because I refuse to beg for forgiveness for sins I didn’t commit.
Finally I went to my room to cry and get myself together. When I went back downstairs he had switched the channel and I knew I would not be allowed to watch the movie. So I went to bed. I didn’t sleep I just went to bed.
I thought about all the crazy things he’s said and done over the years. All the ways he’s hurt me. And felt that I need to tell my story. To make more sense of it in my head and heart. To heal. To move forward. To feel not so crazy anymore.
This is my story and this is my own Exhibit 224.